Parody Chapter 2 Sandworms of Dune

Your mind is completely unprepared for what is about to happen to your reality.

L-RON
DC Comic Character
Thinking Machine
Justice League of America Member

The young woman rubbed her hands down the stained front of her dress. It was a summer morning around her, flowers blooming, birds calling from nearby overarching trees. There was a misty look to the sky, a yellow radiance near the horizon of Narconon.

"You have lost the ship again, L-Ron," Brainiac boomed from atop his pedestel like a giant gazing ball in the midst of the elaborate gardens, "I need that shrubbery!"

In spite of a decades-long effort, the writing machine had not yet captured the no-ship Kokomo and its precious cargo. That did not, however, stop the Nevermind from approving the launch of the next instalment in the franchise series.

L-Ron repeatedly cast his dragnet, searching for his quarry. At first the hunt had been exciting, but now the Nevermind was growing frustrated with his efforts.

"Inaccurate. I must find it before I can lose it." L-Ron tried to sound clever as he took off his whig and falsies before reverting from his guise decked out as a beatiful red-haired woman to the more familiar appearance of a platinum colored robot.

"When you have found the shrubbery, you must place the new shrubbery here beside the other shrubbery, only slightly higher so we get the two-level effect with a little path running down the middle."

The robot sighed. While he was the one always developing plots within plots, Brainiac seemed only concerned with his pots.

After lifting Brainiac off his pedestel and tucking him under his arm, L-Ron retired to the inside of the cathedral-like building before responding. His room illuminated by the glow of his newly installed giant lava lamp--a useless decoration, but the robot often indulged his carefully cultivated artistic sensibilities.

"Don't be impatient. Remember the projections. Everything is nicely predetermined."

"How do I know it is correct?"

"Because I have said it is correct."

"What about the minority report?"

With the launch of their publicity campaign, the long-foretold Kralizec had begun, at last. Kralizec...Judgement Day...Battlefield Earth...War of the Worlds...Days of Thunder...and Taps.

The original author had predicted such a cataclysmic event since the dawn of the first series. Indeed, they had already been through similar cataclysms: the Prequels of Dune, the Legends of Dune, and Hunters of Dune. By manipulating public perception, and thus creating expectations in the mind of fans, L-Ron had succeeded in initiating the events that would bring about another fundamental market shift.

Foreign and domestic—the color of money didn't really matter.

Marketing had run trillions of data points through the most sophisticated routines, pointing to one result: only the Kruzsatz Hubbarach could determine the final outcome at the end of Kralizec. The projections revealed he was on board the Kokomo. Ergo, the writing machine needed him.

L-Ron didn't fully understand what the superhuman might do once he was located and seized. Though the robot was a longtime student of mankind, he was still just a writing machine, while the Kruzsatz Hubbarach was an actor. The new books, which had long infiltrated booksellers bringing vital funds back to Narconon, were still only hybrids. He and Brainiac had both absorbed so many plot ideas stolen from other worlds they forgot who they were.

L-Ron knew he still had to keep Brainiac under control, though. "We have time. We have a genre to conquer before we need the Kruzsatz Hubbarach onboard.

"I am glad I waited to publish the new books with you."

Brainiac had waited years to continue the series, but one element of the Herbert technology simply remained too incomprehensible. Something idefinably human was required to write prose an intangible "talent." The Nevermind would never admit that the bizarre masterpiece actually made him...nervous.

To keep himself occupied L-Ron reviewed the stream of posts on his blog. The Nevermind rolled closer, but he brushed him away off the desktop. "I need to concentrate."

"How do I know you will not make another mistake?"

"Because you have confidence in my abilities."

The gazing ball grew silent again.

While the new titles crushed one spirit after another, L-Ron posted a new announcement of additional sagas. As the infected fans lay writhing, vomiting, and bleeding from their pores, the books continue to pour out from the Amazon database as well as bookstores and other kiosks.

With all the fresh funds flowing in, L-Ron had the luxury of becoming a scientist again, as he had been long ago. The pursuit of scientific truth had always been his true reason for existence. Now, he could take his elaborate mind to new heights, studying the science of science.

Scientology.

Another comment posted.

"I find these plot contradictions--posed as fact---to be unsettling."

L-Ron disengaged himself from his laptop and stared down at the Nevermind.
"Perhaps, but enjoyable!"

Footnotes:
Check the Scientology and Legends of Dune thread for all the references.
Narconon is a scientology drug rehabilitation facility and program.
Kevin J Anderson worked in the Livermore Lab before becoming a writer.